I think it was the Army that used to run a commercial with the tag line, “We do more before 8:00am than most people do all day.”

Obviously, that tag line was not written by a mother.

I am always astonished at the number of things I can finish before 8:00 in the morning. Of course, my kids like to give me a running head start, by periodically waking me up throughout the night and then getting up for the day by 5:30am.

On an average night, between 10:00 pm and 5:30 am, I perform approximately 3 tuck-ins and 2 get-out-of-my-bed extractions. I wipe 1-2 butts a night and retrieve at least 1 “baby” that has fallen under the bed. At least once a week, I can count on the never-ending joy that an “accident” brings, and I get to change sheets at 3:30 in the morning. I hope Martha Stewart doesn’t plan on stopping by, because my hospital corners leave a bit to be desired when I’m working on about 45 minutes of sleep.

My day officially begins at 5:30, with one or both of my boys poking me in the forehead with the chant, “Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.” No matter how much I explain to these kids that breakfast tastes much better when the first number on the clock is 7, I am putting Eggo waffles into the toaster oven at 5:30 every day.

Now, go ahead and judge me all you want, but my most effective parenting tool at 5:30 in the morning is a good ole helping of Nick Jr. Once the boys are ensconced in front of yet another episode of “Max & Ruby,” I throw in a load of laundry, check e-mail, and make sure my farm in Farmville, my city in Cityville and my who-the-hell-cares in Who-the-Hell-Cares-ville are all still functioning at a high level.

By this time, daughter has woken up. And oh, yeah, she’s been in my bed since about 4:00, because she has learned, through a combination of trial-and-error and her innate stealth-ninja skills that if she climbs into bed on Daddy’s side of the bed, she won’t be forced to go back to the dungeon that is her beautiful pink, flowery, stuffed animal- and toy-filled room.

Once she is up, she gets breakfast. And then usually a second breakfast, because I have given her Cheerios out of the yellow box instead of Cheerios out of the purple box or vice versa and that is simply unacceptable.

Lunches are packed, children are bathed, laundry is done, backpacks are cleaned out, sneakers are found, table is cleared, I am showered, cat is put out, daughter’s long hair has been styled 3 different ways before a winner is declared, garbage cans are taken out, 4 sets of teeth are brushed (including my own), milk is spilled, milk is wiped up, telemarketer is “politely” told never to call my house again, 2 kids are put in time out (which kids are put in time-out changes every day), 6 fights to rival Frazier-Ali are refereed, 2 Band-Aids are applied and 14 arguments are mediated.

My husband takes the kids to school at 8:00 and my day begins.