I need to apologize I am truly sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I regret what I did. I acted or spoke out of ignorance, and in all honesty, did not know what I was talking about.

So, to all those who were the object of my look of disdain, my harsh whispers to a similarly ignorant companion or simply my unspoken head shake, I apologize.

You see, before I had kids (or as I refer to it, B.K. [before kids]), I was a perfect mother who would one day have perfect children. And yet, all around me B.K., there were children who were not as perfect as the little snowflakes I would one day have. Who were these mothers who weren’t raising their children to be perfect?

Clearly, I was an idiot.

So, to all those mothers who were mothers before me, I offer my sincere apologies for the following:

* For questioning your parenting skills when you child had a runny nose. It is only now that I am a mother that I have realized that kids have runny noses 10 months out of the year, and if you tried to wipe their nose every time it ran, you would eventually be wiping down to cartilage. I’m sorry – I didn’t know.

* For rolling my eyes when your child threw a tantrum in the grocery store or Target or the bank or the restaurant. I have experienced the parenting pleasure of running out of Stop & Shop, leaving a full cart of groceries behind, with one child under my arms, dragging the other two with my free hand, while all three have shrieked at the top of their lungs because I wouldn’t buy them the Dora popsicles. And I have felt the accusing stares from the non-parents. I’m apologize for ever thinking I could do it better. I can’t.

* For buying your child a birthday present with tiny little pieces. I have come to realize that I loathe toys with tiny little pieces with the passion of a thousand suns. I would not blame you (and in fact, would likely applaud you) if you told me you threw them out as soon as I was gone. I regret any difficulty my stupidity may have caused you.

* For thinking you had “let yourself go” when I saw you out in public without your hair combed or wearing spit-up stained sweats. When my kids were babies, weeks went by where I didn’t touch a brush to my hair and every pair of sweats I owned were stained with spit-up (thank you, acid reflux!). I’m so sorry for not knowing what I was doing.

*For getting irritated when I wanted to go out and you couldn’t get a sitter. I should have realized that NO ONE wanted to go out more than you did, to just get away from your kids for a few short hours to remember what it was like to be your own person without someone climbing on you, constantly interrupting you and refusing to let you use the bathroom on their own. I still can’t believe my ignorance. Mea culpa.

* For ever thinking, “It’s just a kid – what could be so hard?” Really? REALLY?!?! This was just sheer stupidity on my part. I have no excuse for this one. I was just a moron.

For these, and any other ignorant, stupid, and/or selfish acts or thoughts of non-kid superiority, I am truly sorry, and hope that I am forgiven. I can only offer my apologies, and pay it forward by forgiving the woman at Wal*Mart who muttered at me under her breath while my children dumped out an entire box of pool noodles in front of her.

One day, she won’t be so smug.