5:30 – Wake to 5.5 year old son, D, poking me in the forehead with the tail end of a velociraptor (toy, not real) while chanting, “I want to play Angry Birds, I want to play Angry Birds, I want to play Angry Birds.”
5:31 – Get up. Give D the freakin’ ipod. Go back to bed.
5:55 – Wake to 3.5 year old son, E, screaming in my sleeping face, “I want to play Angry Birds. I want to play Angry Birds. I want to play Angry Birds.”
5:56 – Get up. Give E the other the freakin’ ipod. Go back to bed.
5:57 – Pray 5.5 year old daughter, S, doesn’t wake me up chanting, “I want to play Angry Birds. I want to play Angry Birds. I want to play Angry Birds,” since we only have two freakin’ ipods.
6:30 – Husband gets up. I pretend to be asleep when he asks me whether or not I’ve fed the kids breakfast yet. Feel guilty for a moment, then realize both he and the kids speak English – they don’t need me to act as an interpreter. If the kids are hungry, they’ll tell him.
6:31 – Crack eye open to make sure DH has left room. Get up. Lock the door.
7:00 – Listen to following conversation outside my bedroom door: E: I want to sleep with Mom. D: You can’t sleep with her. You don’t have any money. E: Why do I need money? D: You need to pay me $25 to sleep with her.
7:01 – Debate whether I should be concerned about my son’s future as a pimp or proud of his entrepreneurial skills.
7:02 – Decide the bigger issue is that my son thinks I’m only worth $25. May as well get up.
7:05 – Plans to shower are thwarted by globs of soaking wet toilet paper in the bathtub. Ascertain, with great relief, that soaking wet toilet paper is only soaking wet with water, not some other effluence, but remain disgusted enough to avoid the shower. Apply extra deodorant as compensation.
7:30 – Spend 2 hours futilely attempting to get the kids to stop touching one another. Definition of touching is expanded to include not only slapping, hitting, kicking and biting, but also sitting too close to one another on the couch, looking at one another, and being in the same room as one another.
9:30 – Take the circus on the road. First stop, a children’s science museum and planetarium. Observe other people’s children listening to the mother who bore them. Observe my children acting as if a cross between a monkey and a circus clown bore them.
12:45 – Children acting as if they’ve never eaten food. Pull into nearest McDonald’s. Feel judgment emanating from all the minivans that pass the McDonald’s parking lot in favor of more organic, veggie and fruit filled choices. Mentally flip them all off.
1:00 – Eat abandoned McNuggets and fries while children enjoy Playplace. Calculate that I can probably keep them occupied for at least an hour.
1:01 – Youngest son decides he is afraid of heights and cannot get himself down from climbing platform. Wonder why that I can’t keep him from scaling the kitchen counters if he is so afraid of heights. Eyeball the climbing platform and realize the only way I can get up there to get him is by greasing myself with used French fry oil. Bribe daughter with the promise of ice cream if she gets him down. Silently curse self for jinxing the whole “this will keep them occupied for at least an hour” dream.
2:00 – Take kids to free play area at the mall.
2:15 – Leave free play area at the mall due to youngest son’s “fists of fury.” Hang head in shame and hope that I don’t see anyone I know.
3:00 – Succumb to whining and let each child play Angry Birds on not only the freakin’ ipods, but also my phone. For a very long time. A very long time = just long enough to get to a respectable hour for mommy to open up a bottle of wine.
5:30 – Explain to children that expecting them to eat green beans is not a war crime. Drink more wine.
6:15 – Yell at kids some more. Fill wine glass again.
6:30 – Wonder where all the wine went.
7:30 – Put kids to bed. Fall asleep sitting up.
5:30am – Begin my personal Groundhog Day once again. Tell husband how happy I am that Spring Break is only one week long.
5:31 – Cry when husband reminds me that summer is only about two months away.
What did you do on Spring Break this year??
LMAO! We do not have a “Spring break” here. I am feeling very blessed right now. I am now also wishing we didn’t have “summer”.
I would be jealous of your lack of Spring Break, but your kids get out of school for the summer before mine do! They always tell you how much your life changes when you have kids, but I don’t remember anyone ever telling me how much I would dread the summer at home with school-aged kids!
Enjoyed peaceful breeze and sunshine on balcony. And remembered there is a cave in Montana where you can chain up childbeasts till they are 25 and almost respectable. WE were so much more mature at that age. (cuz we were scared of the wrath and nobody ratted parents out to the cops)
I look forward to the peaceful breeze and sunshine. And hope that after all of this, these little minions will support me when I’m old.
Love your stuff!
Thanks, Kelly!
hilarious!
This sounds like some of my days also.
I’m not kidding when I saw that school vacations are like the movie Groundhog Day! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!
Love reading these! I laughed out loud at the part where one of the boys says the other can’t sleep with you because he doesn’t have any money. It reminds me of the time when hubby and I locked ourselves in our room for a bit of “afternoon delight” and one my kids proceeded to slip a $100 bill, that is, monopoly money, through the door jam. …..priceless…..
OK I am clearly doing something wrong as I can never manage any of these afternoon extra curricular activities. Mine can’t make it a nanosecond without yelling “MOOOOOOM?????” Talk about a buzz kill.
Our SB was lengthened, much to the delight of the 6yo, by one day due to Good Friday (good for who??). We spent 13 hours in a car (round trip) to go to DC for two nights. I was thankful for the 1-bedroom suite where I could close the door on the older two kids (4.5 and 6) and snuggle with my sweet 5mo old who doesn’t talk back to mama. The second night I was very appreciative that we were in the end room (no neighbors next to kids’ room) when I yelled and threatened them to make them sleep. I then closed myself in the bathroom where the white noise of the fan and my fingers in my ears drowned out their cries of injustice of being forced to sleep.
On Saturday, day 9 of my imprisonment, I mean, their vacation, my 6yo declared, while in timeout, that she has the worst family in THE WHOLE WORLD. Complete with all the drama tones you can imagine. I should have videotaped her to show her the tantrum when she’s a mother.
Get yourself a box of wine. It’s ultimately cheaper and doesn’t make you feel like a lush because you can’t see how much you’ve had. I call it Mommy’s Juice Box.
Meredith,
You are so funny and I love how you say what we all think. I am on day two of April vacation and so far my sanity is still intact. This is due largely to the fact that our pool had to be opened sooner rather than later and its been 80 plus degrees the last two days. Of course that begins the hours of “he’s on my float!” and “he tried to drown me!!”. Oh what the neighbors must think.
~T.
I went Up North on vacation. Me and my children had a lovely time. The water was so beautiful, to look at but too cold to get into! lol
New follower.