It’s that time of year again. The most glorious time of the year again. It’s back to school season again. But, even through my utter joy, I can see the work piling up for me. Every day my kids are coming home from school with sheaves of paper for me to fill out and sign.

Fluoride rinse permission slip? Check.

Auto-debit lunch money account? Check

Pickup authorization form? Check.

There is one form that usually gives me pause, entitled something like, “Tell Me About Your Child.” The form asks simple questions about your kid, in the hopes of giving the teacher some insight into their personalities and learning styles. I’m all about sharing information with the teachers, edited of course, so as not to have said teachers contacting the school psychologist, asking them to “Please keep an eye on that V family kid.”

Some examples of my editing process:

What are your expectations of your child this year? (3rd grade son)

What I told the teacher: I expect that my child will continue to grow in his love for math and hope that he will find joy in reading. I expect that he will strengthen his problem-solving skills and his relationships with his peers.

What I really meant: I expect that this kid is not going to do his homework unless I am standing over him with a mallet and the threat that he will never again see the light of day if he doesn’t finish before MY bedtime. I expect that he will lose a number of privileges, up to and including football, playdates and possibly breathing, because he hasn’t done his freakin’ homework. I expect that he will do everything in his power to avoid reading, including forging my signature in his assignment book. (I expect this to happen because he did it last year. Despite his valiant attempt at forgery, his teacher still identified it as a fake. Probably because I don’t typically sign my name as “Mom.”)

What do you expect of your child’s teacher? (3rd grade daughter)

What I told the teacher: I expect that you will encourage her independence and love of learning. I expect that you will show her patience when she is frustrated with a new challenge. I expect that you will foster a safe environment where the kids are free to discuss their ideas and feelings without fear.

What I really meant: I expect you to drink. A lot. I expect that the sound of my kid’s voice is eventually going to be like nails on a blasted chalk board. I expect that you will be forced to count to 10 multiple times a day. I expect that there will be moments when you cannot wait to get out of the classroom and vent to your friends and family about how these kids are driving you mad. Did I mention that I expect you to drink?

What do you expect your child to learn this year? (1st grade son)

What I told the teacher: I expect him to learn to read more fluently. I expect him to continue to learn appropriate responses when dealing with other children. I expect him to continue to mature and grow as a student.

What I really meant: I expect to get at least one phone call during the school year telling me that he has a problem keeping his hands to himself. I expect tears, definitely from him, possibly from you, the first time he is caught doing the wrong thing in class. I expect him to stand 3 feet from his sneakers each morning, crying because he’s looked everywhere and can’t find them and his mom is really, really mean. I expect that he will tell you at least one borderline inappropriate story about his father and me that I could try to explain, but really, isn’t it just funnier to listen to the 6 year old’s version of marital discussions?

The teachers ask what I expect of them. In addition to my expectation that they will probably all drink or find some other appropriate outlet for what is most assuredly one of the most stressful jobs in the world, I do have certain expectation of our parent-teacher relationship.

I expect that you will take care of my babies, who drive me batshit crazy but who have made me whole.

I expect that you will tell me when they are acting like little brats and that you will discipline them appropriately.

I expect that you see me as someone who wants to help you do your job, and not as one of “those” parents who make an already impossible job that much more difficult.

I expect that in June we will look at each other and sincerely say, “Thanks for a great year.”

Happy Back-to-School, everyone!