I was a big Nancy Drew fan when I was a kid. I spent hour after hour envying her titian-hair, her sporty convertible, and, of course, all the interesting mysteries that took place right in her little home town. My little home town was nowhere near as interesting as Nancy’s. The greatest mystery I encountered as a Nancy Drew reader was trying to crack the code on getting my dad to buy me a Big Wheel (a task at which I was not successful).
Little did I know that as a mother, my life would be filled with more mystery, intrigue and mind-bending conundrums (conundra? conundrii? Discuss below.) than even Nancy could handle.
There are the little brainteasers that crop up most every day:
- Who spilled the milk?
- Who colored on the wall with permanent marker that will never come off no matter how much money I spend on Mr. Clean Magic Erasers and did I mention that we’re living in a rental house while we’re renovating our house and now we’ll never get our security deposit back?
- Where are your sneakers? Shoes? Backpacks? Lunchboxes?
- Who ate the last piece of Godiva chocolate that was hidden in an empty Uncle Ben’s box of rice on the top shelf of the pantry behind the corn starch and underneath three cans of evaporated milk that may or may not have been in my grandmother’s kitchen 25 years ago?
Then there are the more complex head-scratchers that need to be addressed with a certain sense of urgency in order to prevent unplanned trips to the emergency room, such as:
- Why is he crying?
- Why is she bleeding?
- Who hit you?
- Who hit me??
- Who moved my wine glass???
But the greatest riddle of all unfortunately centers in the bathroom. Alas, I’m not talking about the simple “who threw the wet towel on the floor?” and “why is there an entire tube of toothpaste in the sink?” inquiries. No, no. I almost welcome those little gems when faced with the biggest mystery of my day.
The question that both my husband and I are forced to ask, every single day of our lives, and sometimes more than once is this . . .
Who pooped and . . . dun, dun, dun . . . didn’t wipe?
(My apologies to the squeamish among you, although if you’re reading this blog, or a “mommy” blog in general, you have to figure that eventually you’re going to see the word “poop,” right?)
I have probably spent a cumulative year of my life potty-training these three kids. I have doled out M&M’s like little gold coins, done the potty dance until my hamstrings screamed in protest, made grandiose promises of big kid beds and fancy-schmancy Lightning McQueen and Hello Kitty underwear, cajoled, threatened and begged to get these kids to pee and poop on the potty. I have experienced some pretty big accomplishments in my life (passing two bar exams, learning to ride a two-wheeler, mastering a stick shift), but nothing compared to the joy I felt the first time I went to Target and realized I never had to walk through the diaper/Pull-Up aisle again.
It appears, however, that my potty-trainer accomplishments did not accomplish all that I wanted them to. I refer, specifically, to the wiping and flushing aspects of toileting.
Nothing turns even the most battle-hardened mother’s stomach quite like seeing an unflushed toilet with solid waste and no toilet paper. I’m not a stickler for flushing when the kids go #1. With five people living in this house, if they flushed every time they peed, our water bill would probably be hundreds of dollars a month. I can explain away their flushing inadequacies by believing that my children are just trying to be “green.”
I just can’t ignore an unflushed toilet after #2. And the lack of toilet paper in such a toilet may just be the thing that sends this mama straight to that nice, padded room wearing one of those stylish white jackets with all the straps and buckles.
My children claim to have the answer to the question of who pooped and didn’t wipe. The most common offenders are that little brat Not Me and his obnoxious sister I Don’t Know. Occasionally, their cousins, Beats Me and silent shrug, apparently come over just to soil our bathroom as well.
But I’m the mom. I know everything. Nothing gets by me. I solve every mystery and know the answer to every question before it is asked. I may not know in the moment who pooped and didn’t wipe. But I will find out. I always find out.
Today, all will be revealed. The mystery will be solved and questions will have answers. For today?
Today is laundry day.
That has happened numerous times in my house, too. But what gets me is how my bathroom smells like a gas station restroom 24 hours after it has been cleaned. How do they get that much pee on the floor???
I would love to guest blog and vice versa. Email me and we can talk about helping eachother!
Ali
Ali,
We suffer from the gas station restroom odor as well. Perhaps if I tell them to pee on the floor they will get it in the toilet? Because telling them to keep it off the floor certainly doesn’t seem to work!
The last line made me laugh out loud!
I have the opposite problem, where ever I am in the house, and sometimes be in another part of town altogether, I hear both/either of my kids shout at the tops of their voices “Wipe my bottom” and they will then stand, bent over, showing you exactly where needs wiping for precisely as long as it takes for me to give up shouting “do it yourself” and go and do it for them. A few skid marks don’t sound too bad to me!
Gemma,
My daughter will “assume the position” after she uses the toilet, but for some reasons, my boys are too “shy” to do that. Of course, they have no shame about whipping “it” out and peeing in any bush that crosses their path, but asking their mom to wipe their bum is apparently too embarrassing. I just keep reminding myself – some day they’ll move out!
While I am quite uptight about the lack of flushing for either – what gets me is…. wiping and putting the toilet paper in the trash can!?!?! Are you kidding me – NASTY!!! Really why???
Ugh, Jessi. My youngest does that all. the. freakin’. time. Why? WHY???
I cannot tell you how many times I utter the words “why does my bathroom smell like a public toilet” AND I also have encountered the dirty toilet paper in my nice, pretty decorative trash can. I have also wondered why a ten year old boy hit everything BUT the bowl and how one day they can walk away without wiping but the next day I have to call Rot0-Router to snake out the entire roll of toilet paper from of my pipes.
And as far as laundry day goes…..I can no longer even look. The less I know, the better.
~Tracy
Tracy,
You are SO right about the toilet paper feast or famine! That happens in our house, too!
At our house the comment is generally “the potty is not to be used for poop storage, you are all expected to flush after using the potty”. 🙂
Ellie,
“Poop storage” – I love it!!
You always make me remember…..and laugh!
Thanks for always reading and commenting, Charm!!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh the memories! You, too, will laugh and smile and become smug when your children have children. Love, Mom
Remember when you’re feeling smug – I’m the best chance you have of someone taking care of you when you’re old. Tread lightly!!
So glad that I saw this post! I was wondering why my bathrooms where the way they were yesterday! I know I have 7 kids, but good grief! All are over the age of 2 even if only by a few years! I think the teenagers are worse than the littles! I burn candles all day to rid the smell. And wipe the floor every 3 uses! LOL
Thanks for the mystery and your blog is amazing!!!! 😉
Thanks, Thomasina! With seven kids, I’m impressed you’re even able to read a blog. I only have 3 and it’s a struggle to scroll through my Facebook status updates!
Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!!
Nancy Drew was my fav, too. And the flaxen haired Bobbsey Twins! We are a family of 6 over here-the littlest is not quite 2. I am dreaming of the diaper-less days!!! He doesn’t know what is going to hit him come summertime!!!
OMG – I loved the Bobbsey Twins!! And Trixie Belden! No one ever remembers her, though.
Summer is definitely easier for potty training. A lot less clothes they need to remove! I hope it’s a quick and painless transition for both of you!!
You would NOT BELIEVE how many times I hear ” I forgot to flush” or ” I forgot ” when I ask if they washed their hands. And my kids are 5, 9 and 11!! Yet they can remember a specific day , last October, that I made them go to bed early or a time on the beach when I forgot to pack a certain snack! Gotta love pee on the wall, poop in the potty, filthy hands and all that stuff that one day we will look back on and laugh, and probably even MISS!
Debra,
I’d love to have an opportunity to “miss” all that stuff! I can’t wait!! But then we’ll probably miss them, right? Moms just can’t win!
Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog!
Have a nice day!
Thanks, Veronica!
I have one of these in my home too. I also have a one swipe wiper and that is also not pretty. 🙂
Hahaha! One swipe wiper! No one ever tells you how utterly disgusting kids are, do they?
You made me laugh out loud! I have 3 boys and experience the same mysteries every day. My pet peeve is actually the drops on the seat. If everyone is lifting the seat as they should (and as they assure me they are doing), how do we get drops on the seat?! It makes me crazy!
Glad to know I’m not alone 🙂