I worry that I’m not going through this cancer experience the way I’m supposed to.

Cancer survivors always seem to talk about how their lives were changed by their diagnosis, they achieved clarity of purpose and were able to set aside petty concerns in order to focus on what really matters. Cancer turned out to be a blessing for them and their lives are richer for it.

I worry that I’m not one of those with the ability to turn cancer into the best thing that ever happened to them.

My cancer scare changed my life. I’m grateful for every new, healthy day I have. It has helped me prioritize my life. ~Olivia Newton-John

Cancer changes your life, often for the better. You learn what’s important, you learn to prioritize, and you learn not to waste your time. You tell people you love them. My friend Gilda Radner (who died of ovarian cancer in 1989 at age 42) used to say, ‘If it wasn’t for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing and everyone would want it.’ That’s true. If it wasn’t for the downside. ~ Joel Siegel

I feel more inspired than ever, and think that I will finally achieve what I have long been wishing for: a balance of work and privacy – a harmony.” Kylie Minogue

Impressive. Inspirational. Impassioned.

But my question is this:

Who has the time to sit and reflect on ways that cancer can change their life for the better when they have a husband, three kids, a job, a home, carpools, PTA obligations, Girl Scout meetings, football/cheerleading/baseball/softball/t-ball/basketball practices, summer camp and chemo?

I’m busy. I have a lot to cram into any given day, including those days when I’m hooked up to the cancer-equivalents of cyanide and anthrax. And reading all the inspiring quotes about cancer being a blessing or a gift seem designed to make me feel like I’m failing at being a cancer patient.

This is not to say that I’m spending my time feeling sorry for myself. I’m simply involved in the business of my life. When I look at my calendar for this week, it shows camp drop-off, camp pick-up, playdates for each of the kids on different days, chemo appointment, a movie date and a trip to the Town Hall to pay the property tax. Yes, I’ve had to rearrange some things to accommodate my chemo appointment, and I won’t be working the second half of this week, but other than that, my calendar looks much the same as it did pre-cancer diagnosis. And I would venture to say that it’s going to look quite similar post-treatment.

I would rather be a success at the business of my life – being a wife and mom and volunteer and professional and friend. I want to look back on this experience and regard cancer as simply another unfortunate obligation in my calendar, not as the thing that forced me to reevaluate everything that’s important to me. Because if that’s the case, it means that all that I thought was important before the cancer diagnosis was wrong. That I needed to get the cancer in order to hit the reset button on a life that was headed in the wrong direction. And that is simply not the case.

I’d rather fail at being a cancer patient than fail at my life.