This afternoon, as I was flipping channels between the cloying annoyance of The Fresh Beat Band and the never-ending loop of Phineas & Ferb, I happened upon the local news. I hesitated just a moment on that channel before the whining reached a fever pitch, but that was enough to find out something astonishing. Something I was totally unaware of. Something that caused me to stop in my tracks and rethink my entire existence.

It is National Relaxation Week. 

What genius decided to schedule National Relaxation Week during back-to-school chaos?

Doesn’t this rocket scientist realize that I have 3 kids to outfit for school and just the thought of dragging all three of my minions to Stride-Rite for school shoes is enough to have me wondering if those fancy white jackets with all the straps and buckles come in my size. (Is there a hotline for the men in white coats?)

How am I supposed to relax when I haven’t yet mapped out my route to get the 3 year old to preschool and my 5 year olds to kindergarten all at the same time? And did I mention that the preschool is on the other side of town from the kindergarten, and there is no bus to either?

Who could relax when there are 16 long, interminable days left before the beginning of the school year and camp is no longer in session? You know, my parents didn’t send me to camp and I’m 99% sure that my mother spent almost no time at all planning activities for us to keep us occupied during the hot summer months (unless, of course, you count yelling, “Go outside and play” every time one of us dared pop our heads in the house a planned activity). And yet, here I sit, debating which amusement park to drive to, which zoo to explore and whether or not we can squeeze in a road trip to Hershey Park (because at least they have chocolate).

Any attempt at relaxation is going to have to wait until my daughter and I decide between which of the 17 outfits she has picked out (some of which include pajama tops or skirts she outgrew 2 years ago) will be appropriate for her first day of school.

There will be no de-stressing until I’m sure that my brand-spanking-newly-potty-trained three year old is not going to embarrass himself in his preschool class by attempting to pee-pee in the bush on the playground.

I won’t be able to stand down until I hear from my son’s own mouth that he did not have to sit by himself at lunch and that he didn’t get lost on his way to the boys’ room.

And once the back to school rush is over, there is no time to rest on my laurels! There are school pictures (why does the school photographer make my son look like a serial killer?), fundraisers (how much wrapping paper do I really have to buy?), holiday gifts for the teacher (class gift or individual gifts – discuss), PTA politics (maybe there’ll be wine at the meetings), not forgetting to cut out all those stupid little Box Tops for Education. There is no rest for the weary.

I do think about relaxing. I think about it a lot, as I’m chauffeuring one kid to swimming at the same time I’m dropping another off to dance class, which is conveniently located one town over from the third kid’s gym class. I have big plans for relaxing. Plans that involve a spa week, really good wine, quality romantic time with my husband and sleeping through the night without interruption. I even have it penciled in on my calendar.

September, 2029.

Until then, I think this year my only celebration of National Relaxation Week will be an extra glass of wine with dinner. Or two.